Adam's bits of paper (this came clearer to me earlier, it's not really working for me tonight)

When Adam was a boy and began committing small acts of defiance against his mother and father and the aunts, he wrote each small act of defiance down on a piece of handwriting practice paper (that had been shoved into his pocket at school, just scraps really) and hid the piece of paper in a knothole in the woodwork of his room. The first time he played hooky, the first time he smoked a cigarette with the neighbor boys a couple of grades above him, the first time he  punched someone with no provocation other than that he felt like it, the first time he discovered the joys of self-satisfaction; all these he wrote in his typical even and tiny handwriting and shoved the confessions into the knothole. Every so often he picked the tiny scraps out of the knothole (careful not to cause a rip) and came back and read his little secrets when he needed to feel a jolt of adrenaline – though of course he didn’t know that word yet.

The day he touched  Justine’s hand for the first time,  he carefully wrote down on a piece of ledger paper – touched her hand and it felt like a rebirth and a death all at once, and then hid the scrap in a tiny hole in the planks of his office floor.


"... all my lovers were there with me, all my past and futures."

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