Be a grown up

Be a grown up.

Fight the urge to yell fuck in the middle of a crowded cold grocery.

Keep your elbows off the table and out of the mashed potatoes.

Choose a brand of toothpaste.

Get your teeth cleaned. Stop buying so many pairs of tights and tubes of lipstick.

Run vinegar regularly through your coffee maker. You selected it frugally from a bullet list in Consumer Reports, and it must be taken well-care of.

Don’t drink too much coffee from that machine, and don’t gorge yourself on Christmas candy. Your impulses are your enemies. If you control them, you control the Universe.

Stop crying and set your jaw firmly. Look straight ahead at the glittering lights. Your goal is your target is your destination is your

Follow the recipe. Don’t create modifications. Don’t walk away from the stove just because there is something more interesting happening in the other room. Your child and your spouse can wait. You have to feed them, after all.

Here is a book: read it. It’s not that interesting and you’ll find it dry and contrived (secretly) but your friends and the people making important lists will applaud you just for opening it.  Someone is killed in this book. Violently and in great detail.  There are no fairies or unicorns in it and that’s good because you need to

grow up.


4 thoughts on “Be a grown up

  1. I wrote it in my kitchen! Into a moleskine. Was not sad when I wrote it; guess I like creating maudlin moods.

  2. I feel like responding with a piece called “Stay young” where I interchange where you did and didn’t use the word don’t. Puts a smile on my face just thinking about it.

    Never, NEVER follow the recipe.

"... all my lovers were there with me, all my past and futures."

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