in the dark

“The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.”

I got sober very young, just over a decade ago. I had let red wine bubble over me, erase me, eradicate my beautiful youth. I got better, though. I fell in love. I got better because I fell in love. Most recovery programs will tell you that falling in love is a mistake when you’re trying to get sober, that you must be an unwavering tower of self, and don’t let anything chisel away what’s already fragile, crumbling porcelain.

I fell in love anyway (as if I could help it). It was that love that vaporized my fear, my chemical longing. True Love intoxicates and elevates like alcohol can’t. It fills your heart with thick red blood;  it only gives and never takes away. With true love you don’t need anything else but skin,  fingertips, and a joined synchronous rhythm that cancels everything else out.

“And in the dark, I can feel your hearbeat.”


"... all my lovers were there with me, all my past and futures."

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