What do you do when you have a big decision to make? Do you take a walk, seek out an oracle, check your horoscope, read a fortune cookie, look for signs in the pavement, ask a six year old what they think you should do, toss a coin? I think we all have little private rituals to help our hearts along, whether we admit it or not. Personally, I try a little of everything to reveal the answers. I still shake Magic 8 balls in toy stores, asking real questions and frowning thoughtfully at the results: “Will I ever be widely published?” Shake, shake, turn. The little glowing triangle always seems to  float out of the indigo water just as mystically as it did when I was ten. “You may rely on it.” YES!

I used to love a big, juicy, heavy conundrum. I liked writing out lists of pros and cons, watching the “Yes” or “No” column stack up until my answer became evident. If I was leaning one way, I could forget about the other. My father taught me the beauty of the pro and con list. Thing is, we’ve  made so many big decisions in the past three years that the new ones that naturally pop up freak me out. I get hostile. I get whiny. My stomach will hurt and I’m filled with a sort of metastasizing mania. I used to never be afraid to jump into the pool, you know? Now, after years of the diving board, I’m the one who dips a toe in, testing the temperature, before finally walking down the silver ladder into the shallow end. I don’t even get my hair wet anymore.

See, in the decisions that my family and I have made together recently, the major decisions (moving to Alaska, moving back to Tennessee, staying home to raise Xander and pursue writing full-time) have not been without some significant fallout. Of course we’ve made it out of the bumps unscathed. But I’m weary, know what I mean?


4 thoughts on “Circles

  1. I absolutely do. I used to live so much of my life on a whim, and I absolutely loved it. These days, I’ve gotten myself into a comfortable rhythm, and the thought of doing half the stuff I used to sends me all ajitter. Now that I know the comfort of predictability, I can be unsettled for weeks or months by the mere prospect of change perhaps yet to come . . .

    That being said, most my decisions are still made on a whim. They’re just made on a whim after a lot more agonizing. I’m not sure I’d classify that as a win, but it is what it is.

    Good luck with the decision(s) at hand!

  2. Yeah, that’s always been my modus operandi as well. It’s a mixture of gut feeling + tingly toes + and divine intervention. It’s worked so far (and it worked on the conundrum we were frowning over last night, too).

  3. Yup! Sing it sister, because I feel ya. But what IF we Still had a magic 8 ball with us that always came up: “all signs point to YES”. Would we believe it? And would it matter? Maybe the answer is to remember to be fearless. Or maybe we still have something to learn from fear.
    Either way, I love reading your posts. 🙂

"... all my lovers were there with me, all my past and futures."

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