here, quickly

The cold came back, because of course it would. Even though the sun was warming our skin through our thin sweaters for most of the past month or so the calendar, and the tilt of the earth in relation to the sun can’t be fooled.

So the heat is turned higher and the blankets are unearthed from cupboards and chests and hot chocolate is purchased in bulk.

Frost. I’ve missed frost. I’ve missed the way it bends the leaves.

My words aren’t that pretty today. The truth is I’m locked inside my office at work on my lunch break, and am trying to enforce a new writing routine into the questionable content of my new day-to-day. I have no crisp words of indelicate wisdom to impart, no knives to cut into flesh. Just me. Just this. Just the quiet of this small room and the soft glow of this plain lamp and the hum and roar of the furnace. Outside the door things are starting to churn again.

My grandfather’s funeral is today and I cannot go. My family lives in Ohio and I couldn’t get away from Tennessee. I am trying to be stoic like my father, but also remind myself that it’s okay to show my tears on the outside like my mother. Our grandparent’s deaths are dress rehearsals for our parent’s inevitable departures, and that’s what’s on my mind.

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10 thoughts on “here, quickly

  1. Sometimes pretty words are wrong.
    You just proved that by giving us the right words for how you feel.
    Yeah. Go ahead and cry. It’s a sad thing to lose a grandfather. Very, very sad.

  2. Powerful post, Chrissy. I’m sorry to hear you couldn’t make it to Ohio. This has got to be a painful time for you.

    In this post, I love the image of frost making the leaves bend and the sad thought that our grandparent’s deaths are dress rehearsals for those of our parents. Well said.

    Hugs to you, my friend!

    Kathy

  3. Chrissy , yesterday was beautiful and even though you were not able to be there physically you were there in spirit. After the funeral the family went back to grandpa’s church where there was laughing by all of us and a huge birthday cake in celebration of his birthday today. He would of loved it and I’m sure within my mind that grandpa and grandma were smiling down at us yesterday and he himself was laughing the most. Its ok to cry sweetie I don’t think when we cry over a lost love one that its tears of pain. I considering them memories that escape my mind and flash before my eyes and I treasure those tears just like I treasure those memories. xxx

  4. Thanks so much for sharing all of this with us, Chrissy. I lost most of my grandparents years ago, when I was so much younger, and the days just came and went without a whole lot of thought. Today, my last grandma turned 101. We had small family gathering this year, as last year was a large celebration for the centennial. She is still very alert, walking and talking. However, she is tired and ready to go, but her body is too healthy to let her. It’s tough-any way you cut it. Thinking of you! ♥

"... all my lovers were there with me, all my past and futures."

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